By Nate Feldman
As a person who has experienced marginalization at many levels, you would figure that people I have fought with the most are people who are a part of the mainstream, or who society deems worthy of acceptance. But, upon reflection, I realize that it is more likely that the people I have had the biggest issues with are fellow outsiders. Such experiences has made me reflect on what causes this phenomenon, and while I may not have precise answers to this (note: I am not a psychologist or social scientist), I will try and take a stab at why this may be.
I am from a mixed religious family. My father was from a Jewish family and my mother's family was Protestant Christian. My former wife was from a Palestinian Muslim family. From the outside, it may seem that it was highly unlikely that my wife and I would ever meet and get married, and that's an understatement. But, the thing that probably united us more than anything was the fact that we both felt stigmatized and alienated from our families and communities in general. We both had poor relationships with our parents and we both had viewpoints that didn't reflect the general opinions of the societies we were brought up in. So, we were both marginalized. Yet, once we were together, we fought constantly, and eventually our marriage fell apart.
That's just one of many examples of times in my life where I fought with a fellow marginalized person. So, what do I think influenced these fights? First of all, I believe if you have been outcasted, it is incredibly detrimental to your mental health. You learn to be suspicious and distrustful of others and overly defensive. You are constantly seeking support and reaffirmation from those around you. The problem is very often when you are paired with someone who has experienced similar trauma, they are struggling with the same issues that have affected you, and likewise need a shoulder to lean on. It's very difficult to ask someone to be warm and supportive when it is something they have not received in their lives. So, the two people are expecting the other to be something they really can't be, and this leads to tension.
Another thing that I think leads to conflict between marginalized people is the desire to be accepted by the majority, even if it is highly unlikely to happen. I can recall in my past turning against people more like me with the deluded belief that alienating myself from such people would make me more acceptable to the "in-crowd." In the case of my marriage, I was never upfront enough with people that I had married a Palestinian woman and was living with her in Jordan. In fact, I disconnected with a lot of people I had known during my college years rather than stay in touch and risk being looked upon as eccentric. Of course, in hindsight, I wish I had let everyone know that I had gotten married, who I had gotten married to, and basically forced them to either accept us or not.
I think, in the end, the most important thing for people who feel left outside the mainstream of society is to embrace who they are and find allies regardless of where they come from. Being against others like you is a quick way to finding isolation in this world.
